Posts tagged crap

Review: Wrath of the Titans

When you take a film as “epic” and “classic” and… well… “culty” as the original Clash of the Titans and remake it you really have to be careful with what you’re doing. When Warner Brothers tried their hands at it they decided to take out the cheesy and made it a high-end CGI action film for the present. The success of the film, and average critic response, brought upon it’s sequel, Wrath of the Titans. A film that takes out any actual film-like elements this series had and keeps only the 3D CGI battle scenes which are… well… not Epic enough.

Wrath of the Titans follows Perseus (Sam Worthington) to save his father and save his son from the partnership of Ares and Hades. Here is the first problem, it’s the same basic “journey to save something” plot as the first film. Honestly, who cares about any of these characters? The gods are evil, so why do they need saving? Perseus has a lot on the line but that same vacant stare on his face (I expected more from you Sam Worthington!) leaves out any emotion. At one point someone dies (huge spoiler…) and I felt absolutely no sympathy for him as he turned into dust.

Concerning the action scenes, they are also all the same as the first film with just a slightly higher level of intensity around them. One cyclops… now you have two. Big finale battle? Add some lava. There’s a point Hollywood that these crazy CGI movies will need to begin to have substance again and there is a ceiling to the amount the world will take it. I feel like we hit that point with Wrath of the Titans. The same old CGI crap. Who needs it? I know there are people out there that really enjoy this kind of stuff but why can’t they go rent “Rome” from Netflix and watch something that is gripping, artistically stunning, and isn’t a “complete” waste of your time, relatively speaking.

4.5 Wraths out of 10

Review: The Thing

How do you squeeze more money out of a franchise that really has no place to go? —- Make a prequel. (See: Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

How do you make fans of the original happy? —- Make the ending match the beginning of the movie it’s based on (See: Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

How do you do this with the acting talents of a bunch of monkeys? —- You can’t.

The big difference between the obvious comparison between “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and “The Thing” is that in one you have the talents of James Franco and John Lithgow and in the other you have “The Warrior” and Ramona from Scott Pilgrim. Don’t get me wrong, they have their moments, but as a whole “The Thing” relies heavily on the creature and surprising deaths to keep you entertained. If you can look past the acting and into the story… well… you’re still stuck with about the same…. not much at all. It doesn’t have much depth, it doesn’t really go anywhere, and it seems so jumbled up (especially at the end) that it felt like they were forcing it to fit into “The Thing” timeline like a baby trying to fit a sphere into a cube hole.

Taking all that away you are left with a fun horror film that does catch you with surprises. It’s not complex, nor is it the best horror film of the year, but these Dead Space-like creatures are going to scare the crap out of you when you least suspect it.

4 Things that should have been dead but aren’t out of 10

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Super: The Greatest Dork Contest Ever

Would you like to kick someone’s ass for budging in line? I know we would. For a chance to win tickets to see Rainn Wilson’s new film Super! Comment below with a superpower you would use to beat the crap out of that man for budging in line.

Grand Prize Winner gets:
Free Ticket for two!

Other winners get:
Free Ticket for two!

Fantastic Mr. Star Fox

Wes Anderson is definitive of the “indie” film style with his stylistic shots, scripts, and directing. Star Fox is a Video game where you, in a ship, destroy the crap out of a lot of blocks/blocky ships, depending on what version you are playing. Combine the two and you get this mash up that is proven to define you as a dork.

The Day the Movies Died = Today

Mark Harris from GQ wrote this article on the state of modern film and entertainment. We will see more “King’s Speech’s” or Black Swans or even Inception’s but we will see far fewer of them than ever before. In the current state of it all you will see more sequels, more CGI, and more CRAP than ever before. Read the article linked below and see how we have ruined the great American art form.

Mark Harris - The Day the Movies Died - GQ

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Apollo 18 Trailer - No Tom Hanks, Lots of Aliens

A District 9-type Alien horror film. The brand new trailer below is creepy, scary, and has to be better than all the crap that’s come out so far this year. A movie that astronauts should not see as to not be scared of the dark in space. Wouldn’t that suck? Having to bring your blanky into space to save you from your night terrors?

Review: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Welcome back to Narnia. A place where magical creatures and lions are all obvious blatant references to God. Unlike the first two films that had hints here and there of religious symbolism this third Narnia film hits you over the head with it and then hits you again even harder. Everyone I saw the film with all saw past this however, and maybe I’m reading into it too much, but I think the story relies almost on these references, like a Veggietales movies does.

Putting all that aside this is the second best Narnia movie. It is fun for all, introducing a new comedic relief that helps create a new sense of wonder and fun that was missed in Prince Caspian. (I always wondered since these kids are about 80 years old in their mind, why they are still so stupid….) The action, the fun, but especially the visuals created a wonderfully brilliant children’s movie. Highly entertaining with dramatic themes that everyone can easily relate to is just so easy to fall in love with that it’s hard to not just enjoy every bit of this film. Even visually the effects and 3D were much better than a lot of the crap 3D films I’ve seen lately. Any parent looking for a film to take their kid to, this is a prime pick. Everyone else will still get a lot of enjoyment out of this.

It may not break much ground as something new, different, or spectacular but this film is certainly entertaining for everyone (in the way that Avatar was, just this film isn’t The Smurfs gone wild) Anyone with a love for the Narnia book series should see this film. Anyone who loved LOTR should go and see the brother films of Tolkien, C. S. Lewis’ Narnia films.

8 Kids turned dragon out of 10

Review: Skyline

You should thank me for seeing this movie. Why will you thank me? Because  YOU don’t have to go and sit through this god awful pile of horse shit.

Yup. that’s how this review starts, HORSE SHIT. This movie was awful. It felt like I was watching a mash up of “Independence Day,” “The Matrix” and “War of the Worlds” then combine that with some of the worst acting and horrendous dialogue I’ve ever encountered and you get *drumroll please* SKYLINE. We get it, you guys made this movie for dirt cheap because you own the effects company, awesome. That’s all the movie had going for it, the effects. The creatures that were roaming around collecting bodies and destroying shit were pretty awesome (not “Transformers” awesome, but pretty cool….) The “storyline” however… not so much. We get a few characters that don’t last very long, we get plot lines that don’t really matter or make sense in the scheme of things, and we get questions asked that are never fully answered not to mention that half dozen of so terrible cliche lines spurted. Unfortunately, because it was made so cheap and marketed so well, Skyline will most likely make it’s money back and then some. That means I’m sure there will be a “Skyline 2” coming down the sewer pipe sooner than we want.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I cringed or asked aloud, “Really??”. It’s the type of movie that you wish it was so bad that it’s good (I.E. “The Room”) but it’s not; Skyline is just bad. Save yourself the trouble of going to see Skyline and put your money towards something useful like Scott Pilgrim on Blu-Ray. You should even go buy “The Last Airbender” on Tuesday and you will STILL get more enjoyment than watching this hour and a half of crap. The movie felt like it “Clockwork-Oranged” me. (See picture below)

2 steaming piles of horse shit out of 10

Another day, another TRON: Legacy trailer

Hey Disney,

Everything you’ve shown us from Tron: Legacy looks amazing.  I’m sold.  I’ll see it in IMAX and I’ll even capitalize that word out of respect for the format, but hey… maybe it’s time to lay off.  The movie is more than a month away and already we’ve seen what feels like a thousand stills, trailers, soundtrack spots, previews and publicity stunts.  Visually the movie looks stunning and I get it that it cost loads and you want to sell it.  I think everyone gets it, it looks pretty sweet.

All the same, I feel like you’ve kind of ruined a lot of the movie for me… particularly the eye candy.  It’s pretty clear that we’ll be seeing a lot of blue and orange on the screen and I’m all for that, but you know what I might have liked more?  Having a lot of the look of the film be a total surprise.  When The Matrix landed, it did so a month ahead of a fucking Star Wars film (that no one knew would be crap at the time) and by showing almost none of its cards in advance.  People were blindsided and the movie stuck its landing, pulling people in just on intrigue and then showed its staying power by actually being worthwhile.

Maybe you’re a little insecure?  It’s okay, buzz has been off and on for the movie.  Those last two Pirates movies blew goats and still raked in an octopus face full of bills.  All the same, this much media coverage has brought two things to my attention:

1) Garrett Hedlund looks like a gas station lothario.

2) CGI Jeff Bridges looks like a walk on from Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.

Let it be Disney.  Pull out.  Tickle us a bit and then hit us hard a hell of a lot closer to the due date because right now I’m feeling overloaded… and I don’t even have cable to be subjected to the plethora of ads to come.

All the same, if you see just one Tron: Legacy trailer, this should be the one.  If this had dropped around now with almost no other preamble leading up to the film, people would have shat and continue shitting their pants until the middle of December.  As it stands, no one will be pooping anything.